Total Girly Post

Okay, now that I'm five months pregnant, the recurring thought? Repeat c-section or VBAC? Seriously is such a hard decision for me! My last three pregnancies were easy. I was pregnant, i'd go into the hospital, deliver a baby, go home. Jonathon being an emergency c-section totally threw off my game! I know I have about three to four months to make a decision, but I can't stop thinking about it. People give me their opinions, but the truth is, statiscally, the chance of me losing a bunch of blood and needing a transfusion during c-section is higher than my uterus rupturing during VBAC. But- if on the small chance my uterus did rupture, obviously isn't good. There's a very small chance of me dying and a slightly larger (but still very small chance) of the baby dying. The chance of me dying during c-section, very low, but still real. Doesn't matter what I do, there's a small possible chance of something bad happening. I've never been so scared of having a baby before. Nervous, because having a new baby is always a little worrysome, is the baby going to be good or colicy? Is he going to sleep ever? How is the other kid going to react to the new baby? This has always been my one and only concern with a new baby. I honestly dont like to hear "this is what i'd do if it were me" from people who've never been in my situation. It's hard for me! I dont know what to do. Either way, this baby is going to have to come out one way or another and I just want to make the right decision. I'd like to not put the baby or myself in any risk, but there's no such thing! I know I have one of the best dr's who'd never let anything bad happen, but sometimes crap happens and there's nothing you can do about it. I guess all I can do is see if my insurance will even cover a VBAC because my pregnancies were less than 18 months apart and go from there. Pray everything will go great regardless. Oh, to add more risk. I'm on blood thinners! I had an IV a few weeks ago and my blood just poured out from the needle. Just an IV! If I went into labor (my labors are only four hrs) my blood thinner injection will not have worn off in that time and I have to take it until I deliver. SCARY,SCARY, SCARY! So, yeah. I cant help but worry about every little detail. That's what I do! I honestly know everything will go well because I pray for our safety EVERYNIGHT, but I cant help but worry. Not worrying to me is like not breathing. I CAN'T do it, LOL! I just had to get that off my chest, and now I feel better!